Dating Tips For Women On Valentine’s Day

October 10th, 2013

Many men and women look forward to Valentine’s Day because this is considered the ultimate romantic season. Before the total outcome of dating solely depends on the man but today, women also gets the upper hand by deciding on how to make their dates enjoyable and advantageous for them.

Today, women have learned how to take part of the entire process of dating. They are now more enthusiastic and open to the idea that if they want to have a successful date especially on Valentine’s Day, they have to follow basic and general rules in dating—especially in first dates.

Going out on a date

Even the most confident women experience anxiety attacks when they go out on a date, what more to those who are not so confident about themselves? If a woman decided to go on a Valentine’s date—especially with the man she is interested with—there should be no space for self-doubt. Although being rejected can be a horrifying thought, women can never go wrong if they follow the simple rules on dating.

If you are up on a date on Valentine’s Day, the first thing to consider is how to make the event itself enjoyable for the both of you. If he suggests something you cannot comfortable with then offer him other alternatives because there’s no good in going on a date that you cannot enjoy yourself.

Before leaving your house for a date, make sure that you leave your emotional baggage behind. Being emotional on a date over something will make a man feel you don’t need a lover but a psychologist or therapist. Here are additional general rules when going out on a Valentine’s date:

– Always be gorgeous, decent, or at least presentable whatever your income is. Gorgeous women are one of the men’s guilty pleasures. Looking your best with that gorgeous hair, fancy clothes, and make-up can make you a head-turner anywhere. Many women would look their best on occasions such as Valentine’s Day so make sure that your date would not dare look into other girls.

– Know when less is more. Dates don’t have to take so much time as long as you keep the man interested. Lesser time might even pave the way for the second, third or fourth date because he would think that you need more time to know each other.

– Time check. Remember, first impressions last that’s why you have to make sure that you are on time when you go out on a date.

– Be interesting and interested. Although your date did not turn out to be your “dream guy,” be lady enough to stick until the end by keeping your sense of humor.

– Follow ethics. Even if you believe in gender equality, let the man pay the bills. This will make him feel that he can take care of you even if you are an independent woman.

There you go, the most basic and effective rules when dating for women. If you think you did almost everything and still, the Valentine’s date did no turn out well, don’t sulk. Who knows, your next date will turn out your Mr. Right if you keep following these simple rules.

Please take a look at my book “Valentine’s Day and other Romantic Occasions” by Dr. Carol Drury!

Men – Shame – and Therapy

October 8th, 2013

Only one-third of people in therapy are men, so it’s not surprising I am frequently asked, “What can I do to get my husband or boyfriend into counseling?” I wish the answer were simple, but it’s as complex as the men we love. Men fear therapy due to shame and not just any shame, but the devastating shame of failure. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men who’ve experienced toxic doses of shame early on will do anything to avoid re-experiencing it. Shame originates in early family and peer experience, and a shamed boy becomes a man who constantly fears the possibility of humiliation. These men are the most desperate for affection and approval, yet usually can’t ask for it; instead, they reject intimacy and blame or think the worst of others. Sometimes the smallest signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds, and they’ll suddenly lash out at anyone they think is “dissing” them.

Men have a profound fear of appearing weak or—god forbid—feminine, and will do whatever possible to exert their manliness. A recent study demonstrated the length of time a guy will tough it out with his hand submerged in freezing water depends on whether he thinks his masculinity is in question. For some men, their hand could fall off before they’d risk the shame of not seeming “man enough” to take it.

In order to understand men, women cannot ignore the powerful fear that being shamed has on our partners. Unfortunately, some women understand this and become masters at shaming their men as a means of control. Men, pay attention here, many of you don’t get it either. You may not realize that avoiding shame is something that haunts you every day! A mildly embarrassing event—like carrying your wife’s purse, can over activate a man’s fear that he’s failing at being a real man.

When therapy is mentioned, a man assumes he will be asked to admit he is flawed or needs help, openly discuss and express his emotions, get vulnerable, and depend on someone else for guidance and support. Wow! What man would sign up for that? Men have male brains and women female brains, and we must learn to appreciate each other’s unique differences and not expect men to give up a chunk of their masculinity to accommodate women. What would we say if our men asked us to give up a chunk of our femaleness to accommodate them?

Men don’t enter therapy because they aren’t as aware of their psychic pain as women. Men are trying harder than ever to respond in more loving ways to their partners, to be better fathers, and to identify and manage their emotional needs more thoughtfully. Unfortunately, many haven’t figured a way to do these things and still feel like men. What we end up seeing instead is often anger. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men’s anger is often an expression of pain that women would likely display with tears or sadness. Men also “weep” by drinking, withdrawing, acting defensive, blaming others, getting irritable, being possessive, working excessively, becoming overly competitive, suffering somatic complaints and insomnia, and philandering.

I facilitated a men’s psychotherapy group for a year. What a gift – they allowed me into a place where few women ever tread – the inner sanctum of the male bonding club. I marveled at the pain, confusion, uncertainty, these men shared. The world saw them as Alpha Dogs – but in the group, they expressed feelings, doubts, failures, insecurities, tenderness, and love. They found a safe place to open their hearts to other men and not feel shame. I saw them as men who needed to be understood and accepted for the less than perfect and yet amazing men, I learned to care for so deeply.

I wish I could speak to every man who is hurting, lonely, has painful childhood memories, unhappy in a relationship or job, or in a difficult family situation. I would include men who feel stressed, depressed, anxious, stuck, empty, joyless, lonely, or the million other reasons people choose counseling.  I’d reassure them it’s not about being broken, weak, or failing. It is about being human. Everyone needs someone sometime. I take my car to mechanics, my computer to technicians, and when ill I see a doctor. I don’t expect I can cure all that ails my stuff and me. How many golfers and skiers have taken lessons from a sports coach and felt they were a failure for doing so? If it makes guys feel more secure, in most cases, I actually do more coaching then counseling.

When a man chooses to engage in work that’s hard, unfamiliar, awkward, and even frightening—but which is in keeping with what really matters to him—we see a kind of courage and resolve that characterizes, well, a real men. When we recognize and honor how men communicate their caring, we can then help them find release from needless pain and allow them to be able to receive and give more in relationships. When we respect their defenses, honor their intentions, speak to them in a way that values their maleness, and connect with them as real human beings, we find that men aren’t that different. As women who are in relationships with men who can reveal their vulnerability know so well, it’s extremely rewarding to be part of the process through which a man opens up and finds that he still feels like a man, or even like more of one. He has learned to be truly powerful – not over others, but over himself. He has finally learned to express the feelings, thoughts, and caring he was accused of not having but that were really just hidden behind his wall of masculinity and fear of shame.

Other Resources: Why He Disappeared – By Evan Marc Katz – Learn The Real Reason A Man Suddenly Disappears From Your Life, And What You Can Do To Stop It From Happening Again. The Author, Evan Marc Katz, Is Known As A “personal Trainer For Love” And The #1 Dating Coach For Smart, Strong, Successful Women.

What Men Really Want in Modern Relationships

January 27th, 2012

What Men Really Want In Modern Relationships
The modern man is struggling to find his place in the world. Generations of history dictating a man’s role and function cannot be decided and altered in the space of just a few years without some fallout. The excitement felt by women as their empowerment continues at the same time, we must expect issues to coincide with this. One of those is the question of what the modern man is looking for.

I have gathered information from various sources and come up with some answers to this question. Keep in mind that each man is different, so be sure to check it out with your own partner.
• First, a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women, but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman, and it is very noticeable how many men try to hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.
• Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren’t necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don’t like women who weigh 80lbs. However, men do want a woman who takes pride in her appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don’t believe any man who says otherwise.
• Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact, it’s all great fun and part of a woman’s character. However, reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.
• Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willingly share in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long-term relationship.
• Men are seeking women who are feminine, gentle, and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do; it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.
• Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is ‘one of the boys’. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and with whom they can have fun. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. When not working, men want to have a good time and relax and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.
• Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn’t make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps, farts, and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn’t necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don’t. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.
• Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior and career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.
• Men don’t like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one, but by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.
• Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they’re in secure territory. When a man is challenged, he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.
• Men are generally more reserved about sex than women are. This is my experience and is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn’t there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexual adventure has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.
• Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn’t take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend with whom they can share, trust, and with whom they can be open. Commitment is not a one-way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously.
• Men don’t want to be alone.

Men Want To Be Trusted
Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. How many times have I heard in couples counseling men say to their wives, If you would just trust me?
Many men wonder why it seems so difficult for their wives to do something so seemingly simple. The answer stems from the physiological differences between the sexes. It begins at birth when little boys are given a distinct physical advantage over little girls by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes the physical strength to defend themselves from danger or run away from a threat. Most little girls don’t have that ability. They don’t have the strength to defend themselves in a physical fight when they feel threatened. If a boy trusts someone who in turn hurts him, he can always defend himself physically (or try to). Little girls don’t have that physical resource of power. Since a person can only trust from a position of strength, those same little girls will grow up into women who naturally have a more difficult time trusting when they feel vulnerable.
So men, when you ask the woman of your choice to simply trust you, it’s not that she can’t, it’s just that she’s more vulnerable than you are. If you want her to trust you, she needs something that will help her develop that trust.
Perhaps even a tool or gesture that she can “count on” until her trust in you is established. Thankfully this tool already exists and is known by every woman. What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word. To her, making a promise is meaningless if there is no follow-through.
A woman needs to SEE her man fulfill his promises – not just hear his pledge without action.
Imagine someone told you that I was the meanest person they had ever met. For months, all you heard was how terrible I treated my family and friends. Then one day you meet me, and during the course of our meeting, you begin to notice that I don’t seem to be as horrible as you have been led to believe. I actually appear to be rather pleasant. Would you change your entire opinion about me from just one visit? Probably not! However, if you saw me respond consistently with kindness and humility over a period of several weeks, your opinion of me would begin to change.
A paradox has just been established. The kindness you have seen in me for the last few weeks does not match what you have heard about me. All the rumors of how mean I am begin to fade into darkness because of my consistent actions. Over time, what you see will replace most, if not all, of your concerns about my character. Men, when the woman you love sees your words lining up with your actions, trust will naturally follow. When you don’t keep your word, it causes your wife or girlfriend to become fearful. From her perspective, she has entrusted you with her heart and WANTS to trust you. She simply needs you to help her trust so she can give you what you want.
Another Man’s Opinion
Have you ever been on a date and thought to yourself ‘did she just say what I think she just said?’ or how about ‘okay, this will be my last meal; dear God please let her end it quickly.’ Yes, I think many of us have had this experience. I’ve also had dates in which the conversation was absolutely delightful and both of us were firing on all cylinders. Of course, I have been told that comparing a date with a combustion engine is slightly unromantic. But I digress, so what do men want from a woman? I will try to give my humble and modest assessment of what a man wants from a female. Since I do not have the collective unconscious of all men I will use my anecdotal stories to develop an idea of what I want from a woman.

Sometimes it’s easier to start with what really turns me off. A woman needs to be comfortable in her skin and be approachable. I have noticed that the vibe you send off will attract the same vibe back. So if you’re looking for a young hot stallion (undoubtedly I will magically appear next to you ;p) chances are you will attract that over. Just don’t be incensed if the conversation is drier than a martini. So my first suggestion is try to be comfortable in your own right and don’t put up a front. This of course is difficult because first dates (even the first month or two) of a relationship are always like a job interview. We send our best representatives on the first few dates; they present us in the best light. Of course, once the interview is over many people decide they have tenure in the relationship and let their true colors shine. So if any red flags jump out at you in these first encounters make sure to heed them!

What turns me on more than anything (no, not lingerie, although that’s high on the list!) is a woman that knows how to respect a man. See, most men since day one are bombarded that they have to be a gentlemen, treat a lady right, respect her, and ultimately make like she was a princess. This is important, but would you treat any person like this? What I have noticed is that many ladies (excluding those special ladies that I will highlight in a minute) feel that it is their entitlement to all these gifts from men. This should not be the case. A woman that can respect a man wins numerous points in my book because they are reciprocating the same vibe that I am giving to them. A partnership is much more sexier, sensual, and passionate than a dictatorship.

A woman who is smart is very sexy. Can I say that again? A woman who is smart is very sexy. I cannot underscore that having a woman with a superior intellect is one of my deepest fetishes. In the few serious relationships that I have had, I noticed that intelligence has either drawn me in further or repelled me away. When I say smart I need to qualify what smart means. A woman that is smart can hold a conversation, has a good sense of humor (if she’s laughing at my jokes she must laugh at anything), and can be serious when it is necessary. A woman that has these qualities will keep a man and keep him happy. And isn’t that what a good relationship is about? Giving and receiving. Like a never-ending Christmas, a good relationship will bring countless gifts and wonderful surprises to you. And finally, there must be an attraction. Without this the fire cannot be started. You can have the most elaborate battleship but without the fuel, you’ll be going nowhere fast; and chances are if you’re smart enough to jump ship you’ll avoid a titanic finale too. This is only fair to both of you since a woman and a man does not want to be led on in any relationship. And attraction can be mental and physical; the mileage for each person will vary.

Not So Serious Stuff
Straight from the mouths of the guys themselves — it turns out what they crave is simpler, sweeter, and more surprising than you’d ever imagine. Here, our guy spills their not-so-dirty secrets.
• “A full shelf just for us in the medicine cabinet.”
Not a two-inch-wide slot — a whole, wall-to-wall shelf. Rescuing our razor from an avalanche of lipstick, Secret sticks, and those triangle sponge thingies is not the most fun way to start the morning. And by the way, what the hell are those triangle things for? Are you playing blocks in there?
• “You waking us up in the middle of the night…completely naked.”
There are two things every dude in a long-term relationship desires: excitement and nudity. And with this little move, you’re killing two naughty birds with one sexy stone. Wake us up at 3 a.m. and tell us that you just had the hottest dream and can’t fall back to sleep. Then watch the fog of sleep — along with other things — suddenly lift. “Naked is the best thing ever in bed, along with maybe pizza,” says a 37year old. “The spontaneity of being woken up like that is what makes it exciting, assuming I could actually be coherent in the middle of the night.” And who knows, your adventurousness might just inspire us to new heights of under-the-covers creativity in return.
• “A free pass to skip some boring get-together.”
We think your family is great. Really. How could we have anything less than affection for your brothers, sisters, and, of course, your parents, the people who raised the woman we love and adore? But here’s the thing: We also love and adore lying on the couch, when the only sounds in the house are a televised baseball game and our snores. It’s nothing personal, but a Saturday afternoon of pure vegetation, as opposed to making small talk at your niece’s birthday party, would be the greatest gift ever. “My wife once told my in-laws that I had a stomach flu the day of a big family barbecue,” says a36 year old. “I felt like I was playing hooky — it was the best! As a thank you, I didn’t complain about being dragged along on her epic mall shopping trips for months after that.”
• “More girls’ nights out.”
Yep, you heard us right — because when you go out with your best buds, you recharge your batteries, blow off some steam, and come home a happy camper. And when you’re happy, we’re happy. (Plus, we all know what a few cosmos do to you when the lights click off. Growl!) And, okay, on a much less charitable note, it gives us much-needed ammunition for that “Can I spend the weekend with my buddies in Vegas?” request we’ll be making in a few months.”
• “A chance to handle the kids solo.”
We swear we won’t break them. Sure, we might let them go a few feet higher on the swings than you would, but getting into a little mischief with the kiddies is one of the inalienable rights of fatherhood. Running around like maniacs, eating ice cream before lunch — these are the kinds of bonding sessions we dream about while stuck in our dreary offices. So take the afternoon off and let us go nuts with the kids.
• “To be told how manly we are when we fix something.”
Even if we’re only changing a light bulb, fawn over us as if we were a greased-up Ty Pennington who just added a 4,000-square-foot walk-in closet to your bedroom. “Nothing makes a guy feel like more of a man than when his woman hands him a cold beer after he’s been working hard,” says a 32 year old. “Yes, that is very 1950s, but it’s the truth.”
• “Oral sex.”
• “Acceptance of our inner dork.”
“I secretly crave a woman who will dust — without complaint or editorial comment — my extensive collection of action figures,” says a 48 year old painter, who was voted the number one Star Wars artist of all time by Star Wars Galaxy magazine. (Sorry, ladies, he’s taken.) Look, we know we should have outgrown comic books and sci-fi flicks at least 15 years ago, but the fact is, we haven’t. So, you can make fun of us for our nerdy cravings, or you can tag along with us to the latest superhero movie and watch Hugh Jackman or Christian Bale run around in a tank top. Is that really such a chore?
• “You paying the neighborhood kid to shovel the driveway before we get our fat asses out of bed.”
Or, failing that, hooking us up with a cup of hot cocoa when we come back inside grumbling about moving the family to Florida. Think of it this way: Besides making our morning, that $20 you spent just bought you hours and hours of not having to hear us complain about how much our back hurts from shoveling.
• “A spa treatment for you.”
This might sound selfless and giving, but we have an ulterior motive. When you have silky, smooth skin, you can’t wait for us to get our hands on you, and neither can we.
• “You not saying how fat you think you are when you get dressed in the morning.”
Who cares if you can’t fit into a dress that you used to wear 15 years ago? We think you’re still totally hot. “Confidence is sexy,” explains Bob. Complaining that you feel fat and gross isn’t. After all, we men don’t all have the six-pack we want, but that doesn’t stop us from acting like we’re super studs. Bottom line: Whether or not you’ve shed that stubborn 10 pounds you’ve been dying to ditch, we want you to jump our bones. And if you do, that smile you leave on our faces will give you 10 times more confidence than any infomercial diet plan ever could.
• “A little dirty talk.”
Doesn’t matter when, doesn’t matter what. Even if it doesn’t make sense, a whispered sentence that includes the words “throbbing,” panties,” and “broom closet” will make our week.
• “Someone else taking out the garbage.”
Dragging that stinking Hefty bag out to the curb before the health department declares your kitchen a biohazard might seem like a small thing, but in case you haven’t realized, guys are lazy bastards. Discovering that a dreaded chore has already been done is like finding a brand-new bike under the Christmas tree. We might not notice that you cut four inches off your hair and dyed it blonde, but we will notice this. And we will reciprocate. Expect us to bring you a glass of water in bed before you ask. Expect us to pick those socks up off the floor. Because if The Sopranos has taught us anything, it’s that when someone does you a favor, you return it.
• “You leaving the armoire doors open so we don’t have to walk across the room and open them when we want to watch the TV in bed.”
(See above, re: Guys are lazy bastards.)
• “More nagging.”
That may sound like a pile of what your neighbor’s poodle left on your lawn, but honestly, there is such a thing as good nagging. If it weren’t for you staying on top of how we eat, drink, and dress, most dudes would subsist on pizza and beer and live in sweatpants. We may bitch and moan about your pestering, but at the end of the day, we know that you’re just looking out for us, and though we’ll never admit it, that makes us feel pretty great.
• “A movie theater make-out session.”
Boredom is the greatest malady affecting marriages today, and I am a strong believer that husbands and wives have to do things that are inappropriate to break routine. Just make sure you hide from the usher. Not only will you make us feel like we’re 14 again (minus the cracking voice and socially crippling acne), you’ll show us that even though Brad Pitt is shirtless on the big screen, we own the only pair of lips in the world that you want to be locked with. (And if you’re secretly picturing the shirtless Mr. Pitt while we’re playing tonsil hockey, no harm done.)
• “Fast food for dinner every once and a while.”
You know how much it sucks to diet and exercise, so when we’re on some kind of fitness program, throw us a bone — preferably one covered in fried chicken — and help us cheat occasionally. See, if we buy a 12-piece bucket ourselves, then we’re weak-willed blubber butts. But if we eat something our wives picked up as a treat, we’re being gracious, appreciative husbands. You went to the trouble to pull up to a drive-through, so it’d just be hurtful not to accept your thoughtful gesture, right?
• Do men like Brazilian Wax – well it depends‼!

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