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September 17th, 2014

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Dating Tips For Women On Valentine’s Day

October 10th, 2013

Many men and women look forward to Valentine’s Day because this is considered the ultimate romantic season. Before the total outcome of dating solely depends on the man but today, women also gets the upper hand by deciding on how to make their dates enjoyable and advantageous for them.

Today, women have learned how to take part of the entire process of dating. They are now more enthusiastic and open to the idea that if they want to have a successful date especially on Valentine’s Day, they have to follow basic and general rules in dating—especially in first dates.

Going out on a date

Even the most confident women experience anxiety attacks when they go out on a date, what more to those who are not so confident about themselves? If a woman decided to go on a Valentine’s date—especially with the man she is interested with—there should be no space for self-doubt. Although being rejected can be a horrifying thought, women can never go wrong if they follow the simple rules on dating.

If you are up on a date on Valentine’s Day, the first thing to consider is how to make the event itself enjoyable for the both of you. If he suggests something you cannot comfortable with then offer him other alternatives because there’s no good in going on a date that you cannot enjoy yourself.

Before leaving your house for a date, make sure that you leave your emotional baggage behind. Being emotional on a date over something will make a man feel you don’t need a lover but a psychologist or therapist. Here are additional general rules when going out on a Valentine’s date:

- Always be gorgeous, decent, or at least presentable whatever your income is. Gorgeous women are one of the men’s guilty pleasures. Looking your best with that gorgeous hair, fancy clothes, and make-up can make you a head-turner anywhere. Many women would look their best on occasions such as Valentine’s Day so make sure that your date would not dare look into other girls.

- Know when less is more. Dates don’t have to take so much time as long as you keep the man interested. Lesser time might even pave the way for the second, third or fourth date because he would think that you need more time to know each other.

- Time check. Remember, first impressions last that’s why you have to make sure that you are on time when you go out on a date.

- Be interesting and interested. Although your date did not turn out to be your “dream guy,” be lady enough to stick until the end by keeping your sense of humor.

- Follow ethics. Even if you believe in gender equality, let the man pay the bills. This will make him feel that he can take care of you even if you are an independent woman.

There you go, the most basic and effective rules when dating for women. If you think you did almost everything and still, the Valentine’s date did no turn out well, don’t sulk. Who knows, your next date will turn out your Mr. Right if you keep following these simple rules.

Please take a look at my book “Valentine’s Day and other Romantic Occasions” by Dr. Carol Drury!

Men – Shame – and Therapy

October 8th, 2013

Only one-third of people in therapy are men, so it’s not surprising I am frequently asked, “What can I do to get my husband or boyfriend into counseling?” I wish the answer were simple, but it’s as complex as the men we love. Men fear therapy due to shame and not just any shame, but the devastating shame of failure. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men who’ve experienced toxic doses of shame early on will do anything to avoid re-experiencing it. Shame originates in early family and peer experience, and a shamed boy becomes a man who constantly fears the possibility of humiliation. These men are the most desperate for affection and approval, yet usually can’t ask for it; instead, they reject intimacy and blame or think the worst of others. Sometimes the smallest signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds, and they’ll suddenly lash out at anyone they think is “dissing” them.

Men have a profound fear of appearing weak or—god forbid—feminine, and will do whatever possible to exert their manliness. A recent study demonstrated the length of time a guy will tough it out with his hand submerged in freezing water depends on whether he thinks his masculinity is in question. For some men, their hand could fall off before they’d risk the shame of not seeming “man enough” to take it.

In order to understand men, women cannot ignore the powerful fear that being shamed has on our partners. Unfortunately, some women understand this and become masters at shaming their men as a means of control. Men, pay attention here, many of you don’t get it either. You may not realize that avoiding shame is something that haunts you every day! A mildly embarrassing event—like carrying your wife’s purse, can over activate a man’s fear that he’s failing at being a real man.

When therapy is mentioned, a man assumes he will be asked to admit he is flawed or needs help, openly discuss and express his emotions, get vulnerable, and depend on someone else for guidance and support. Wow! What man would sign up for that? Men have male brains and women female brains, and we must learn to appreciate each other’s unique differences and not expect men to give up a chunk of their masculinity to accommodate women. What would we say if our men asked us to give up a chunk of our femaleness to accommodate them?

Men don’t enter therapy because they aren’t as aware of their psychic pain as women. Men are trying harder than ever to respond in more loving ways to their partners, to be better fathers, and to identify and manage their emotional needs more thoughtfully. Unfortunately, many haven’t figured a way to do these things and still feel like men. What we end up seeing instead is often anger. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men’s anger is often an expression of pain that women would likely display with tears or sadness. Men also “weep” by drinking, withdrawing, acting defensive, blaming others, getting irritable, being possessive, working excessively, becoming overly competitive, suffering somatic complaints and insomnia, and philandering.

I facilitated a men’s psychotherapy group for a year. What a gift – they allowed me into a place where few women ever tread – the inner sanctum of the male bonding club. I marveled at the pain, confusion, uncertainty, these men shared. The world saw them as Alpha Dogs – but in the group, they expressed feelings, doubts, failures, insecurities, tenderness, and love. They found a safe place to open their hearts to other men and not feel shame. I saw them as men who needed to be understood and accepted for the less than perfect and yet amazing men, I learned to care for so deeply.

I wish I could speak to every man who is hurting, lonely, has painful childhood memories, unhappy in a relationship or job, or in a difficult family situation. I would include men who feel stressed, depressed, anxious, stuck, empty, joyless, lonely, or the million other reasons people choose counseling.  I’d reassure them it’s not about being broken, weak, or failing. It is about being human. Everyone needs someone sometime. I take my car to mechanics, my computer to technicians, and when ill I see a doctor. I don’t expect I can cure all that ails my stuff and me. How many golfers and skiers have taken lessons from a sports coach and felt they were a failure for doing so? If it makes guys feel more secure, in most cases, I actually do more coaching then counseling.

When a man chooses to engage in work that’s hard, unfamiliar, awkward, and even frightening—but which is in keeping with what really matters to him—we see a kind of courage and resolve that characterizes, well, a real men. When we recognize and honor how men communicate their caring, we can then help them find release from needless pain and allow them to be able to receive and give more in relationships. When we respect their defenses, honor their intentions, speak to them in a way that values their maleness, and connect with them as real human beings, we find that men aren’t that different. As women who are in relationships with men who can reveal their vulnerability know so well, it’s extremely rewarding to be part of the process through which a man opens up and finds that he still feels like a man, or even like more of one. He has learned to be truly powerful – not over others, but over himself. He has finally learned to express the feelings, thoughts, and caring he was accused of not having but that were really just hidden behind his wall of masculinity and fear of shame.

Other Resources: Why He Disappeared – By Evan Marc Katz – Learn The Real Reason A Man Suddenly Disappears From Your Life, And What You Can Do To Stop It From Happening Again. The Author, Evan Marc Katz, Is Known As A “personal Trainer For Love” And The #1 Dating Coach For Smart, Strong, Successful Women.


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